[But you know me. it might be different from what you expect.
Or maybe it is exactly the way it was meant to be but be couldn't seen until now...]
I am engaged. As of May 24, 2018.
I did the proposing. I knew it was someone I'd been looking for. Someone I want to be with through thick and thin. I researched the ring, the setting, the stone, the cut, the sourcing (diamond lab-built in California by a facility run on solar energy). I chose my moment.
I proposed to me.
And I said yes.
Recently, I had realized that deep down inside of me I really wanted to be proposed to. Maybe because of reading so many fairy tales when I was little I came to assume this meant Happily Ever After. Maybe because from the fourth grade on no amount of begging or bribing could get me asked out, to the junior prom, to the prom, to the graduation ceremony. No one would ask me. In college I learned to play small, to flirt, to call them closer. I got dated. But I got it by being something for someone else instead of for me - full size; tall and vulnerable, able and flawed.
Three formal engagements later (one which turned into marriage), I found I still longed to be Asked. I still bent my behavior towards acceptance from another, still dropped hints. I didn't want to be married - I wanted to be Asked. To be chosen.
Fortunately, the Love I've found is not to be moved by my wiles. Never has been. He loves me for who I am and laughs when I play small, when I flirt and cajole and play victim to get my way. He loves my speed and my power and my company - weeping or racing or reading. I am already accepted in his care and company. He doesn't need a ring to say so.
But I still needed it.
I needed to accept myself.
I needed to choose myself. To love, with passion and tenderness and ease and effort, all the parts of me I'd changed to be loved by someone else.
So I found the ring.
I chose the words.
And I accepted.
And everything changed.
In that moment, in that hour, I was more whole than I'd been since the longing for another began. I taught that day with a radiant confidence I'd chased for years.
Maybe you didn't notice it in the room but I noticed it on the inside.
I walked tall and smiled clearly and was treated differently on the street and in the grocery store.
And in that moment of acceptance the next thought, hot on the heels of my yes, was 'then what is my Love for?!' I gasped. I blinked. Had I betrayed him? If this was what I wanted and I gave it to myself, what's his role? And the in moment after that, a wave of knowing: we are free now. Free to love, to explore what we make together, without this part of me unfulfilled. We can be so much more now.
I am engaged to myself. I am engaged with my life, with my thoughts, with my words, with the day. I am fully engaged in pursuing what makes me shine, stand tall, lead the way, help out, give back.
Engagement is synonymous with participation, participating, taking part, sharing, partaking, involvement, association, connection.
Yoga is union, unification, reconnection, reclamation of you to that which is divine in you, to that which guides and tends and provides.
This feels like the most natural evolution of everything I've studied and loved and experienced to date. I am engaged in the exploration of my Self.
And you, what are you engaged in today?
What holds your attention and deserves your energy and your light?
May it serve you well. May it provide what you need.
If you don't know, pause. Listen, tune in. Don't give up. The answer is there with you.
In all of it.
In what you choose, in who you are.
You are so worthy.
p.s. Dear Mama, I know you are reading this with everyone else and likely the start of this email was a shock. But it's just me engaged to me, like it should've been from the start. Sorry if it freaked you out and you thought I was headed to marriage again. Thanks for keeping me company through it all. I love you.