January: Preparing to be present to the end
“There is one quality that needs our attention more than ever. Regardless of the setting or services, what remains most important for clinicians and caregivers alike is learning the healing power of human presence. This is the central and invaluable message of Being with Dying - the ability to come alongside a dying patient, to attend to the full range of their needs with awareness and without bias, and to offer care informed by mindfulness and infused with compassion.
“Roshi suggests that presence develops a capacity for fearlessness. Fear is ubiquitous. NMone of us are without fear. However, with stability, balance, and insight, we can gradually understand its nature. We can learn to skillfully work with fear without becoming overwhelmed. Then we can be a trustworthy refuge for others who may be afraid.”
- Frank Ostaseski in the forward to Being with Dying p xii
My father was afraid to have us, his daughters, see him as he approached his death at 92. A physician for over 60 years, he was familiar with death and concerned the wasting of his physical body would be hard on us. Some of my sisters lovingly ignored his request and were at his bedside as he passed. But I wasn't there. His fear, and my compliance with his fear, meant that to this day I can’t fully reconcile his passing.
Emotionally it feels as if he just isn’t here. The way I am not in the room with you as you read this. You could reach out, I might answer the phone or text or not, I’m just not there with you right now.
I don’t feel I've grieved or mourned him. It feels unfinished. The first few years after his death I waited for grief to strike, but for now it is just a gap, a sense of something missing. I wish I had been there. I wish he had trusted us to see him off. I wish he had been vulnerable enough to let us be with him so we could fully let him go.
I see Choose Nurture’s end-of-life course Path to Compassionate Presence as a chance to help others to know this passing moment as important in many directions. Yes, we can offer care. Yes we can be there for others. AND we can be aware that our own passing plays a role in the lives of those we love and that loving our way out with dignity and respect is a way of loving them across the gap we will leave in their lives.
Death means so much in so many directions and it can be done well, with care and creativity, lavish or so simple as to be stark. There is no one way to die, as there is no one way to live. It is the consideration of it that brings it to life and it is the consideration that is what we will leave behind.
Sierra Campbell has made the necessary conversations around death clear and practical. She has given the topic steps and made it approachable a bit at a time. The community that forms through the 12 weeks allows for the conversation to become personal, intimate, emotional, possible.
To get a sense of Sierra’s approach, see her TEDx talk on end of life here.
The Path of Compassionate Presence meets once a week for 12 weeks via Zoom.
See the full curriculum here.
Large group meetings are every other Wednesday noon EST starting Jan 28.
Large group meetings are lecture format with visiting luminaries in the field and are recorded for replay and kept in the course website for ongoing access.
Small groups meet once a week as well but you select a time / day that suits your schedule. They are for conversation, for writing, listening, and reflecting on the readings and assignments of the past week. They are not recorded for privacy reasons.
The primary book used throughout the course is Being With Dying by Roshi Joan Halifax, but there are other resources that are shared each week and slowly gathered into the library of resources in the course website.
I will be facilitating 2 small groups - Monday 7pm EST and Tuesday noon EST on alternating weeks. I look forward to seeing you there if you should choose to join.
If the course doesn’t fit for you now, still consider looking at the TEDx talk and reading through Being With Dying. Both are remarkable resources on a subject relevant to every one of us and those we love.
For further information on Choose Nurture and the Path of Compassionate Presence check out their website.